I just spent the last 10 minutes crawling all over my living room trying to figure out what the weird humming noise I’m hearing is.  I’m thinking a phone is on vibrate somewhere ringing off the hook, a gaming system was left on, something!!!  Is there a weird humming animal living in my walls already!?  Then out of no where, I remembered I turned on the washer upstairs.  It’s doing its little agitate thingy.  Time has been wasted, time I can never get back.  Moments like this make me feel like a big moron ha!  Anyone with me?

Before I was a blooming idiot, I was actually pretty productive this morning.  I got up, showered (this is never a given, I’m pretty gross), fed the kids breakfast, made my bed, googled “what’s the best dog food for a Great Dane puppy” for the 900th time like the results are going to change, and… well, I think that was pretty much it.  But I did things!  Oh wait, I forgot.  The whole point of my list was to say I also completed day 1 of a squat/plank challenge I’m doing with some ladies I don’t know from the Austin area who are part of the same Facebook group.  I did my 15 second plank, shaking the whole time cuz I’m a weakling these days.  After the plank, I did my 20 squats.  I did some serious squats.  20.  That’s all.  Can I tell you, I am already feeling them!  That’s so sad.  Also, it probably doesn’t help that with every squat I heard a series of crunching sounds in my legs.  No pain, just crunch.  It was like listening to a crotchety old rocking chair.  This is 32 I guess.

About a year and a half ago, God totally freed me from my addiction to food.  It was pretty incredible.  I didn’t notice for a few days that I’d been eating significantly less until I made these delicious banana muffins that I love and I only ate one.  All day.  Just the one.  I used to eat 3 or 4.  Not in a sitting (at least not usually), but throughout the day.  I would salivate over the thought of them so I’d help myself to more.  Well one day, I only had one.  It was kind of a miracle for me.  I’ve always gone up and down with my weight since I was a teenager.  I never minded exercise.  I was kind of athletic.  By that I mean, I played sports but I played them badly.  All in all though, I was active.  I never hated that part.  Fitness activities are enjoyable to be.  Maybe not getting started after a long hiatus, but once I’m going, I love it.  So, being active, not really a struggle.  Food though.  Yummy delicious food.  That’s where I fall short.  Every.  Single.  Time.  At least I used to.  With some will power I could force myself to eat better and to eat less.  For a time.  Ultimately though, I would end up totally gorging myself on a meal or a snack and I’d be back in the cycle of putting on weight.  My body craved the food.  Not even sweets, food.  Like, I would prefer an enormous bowel of buttery mashed potatoes to a slice of cake.  Savory over sweet any day.  Except, you know, THOSE days.  Then chocolate please.  I had lost about 60lbs doing nothing.  I was totally free.  Free still today.  But…

This past summer, my brother was diagnosed with cancer.  He is completely healed and he’s all good now, praise the Lord.  But July, August and September were kind of a nightmare.  I spent a great deal of time driving back and forth between New York and Virginia, living in hotels, eating whatever could be microwaved.  I put on about 10lbs.  Not because I was overeating so much as I just wasn’t eating well and I was super sedentary.  I wasn’t really worried about it because I knew once I was home, things would regulate and I’d be back to normal.

But things didn’t really get back to normal.

Once I got home for good and things started to settle down, then the conversations about moving away started.  I already told you that by November I knew we were leaving.  Well from November to the day I left in March, I ate like the completely depressed, angry person I was and I put on an additional 15lbs.  The weird thing about it was that I wasn’t craving any of the food I put in my mouth.  I didn’t even really want it.  It was like God was telling me I was free and I was telling Him I didn’t care.  It was a strange feeling.  I knew I didn’t want to eat the garbage I was eating, nor did I want to eat the quantity of it that I was consuming, but I did it anyway.  It’s not the first time (and I’m sure it won’t be the last time) that I have lived with such a rebellious heart.  God freed me from my addiction to cigarettes so many years ago now, but I’ve found myself smoking since.  I’m just a wretch.  Why!?  I don’t want it, I don’t crave it, I just do it anyway.

When I think about the times in my life I’ve gone back to my slavery (a little Israelites in the desert reference there), it’s always at a time when I’m really frustrated with the direction God is taking me.  Mad.  Down right angry.  It’s always at a time, when I’m so annoyed that I’d rather drag myself back to my chains than let God be God.  I spent November to March pretty angry and I punished no one but myself.  It’s the human way, isn’t it?  I’ll show you God, I’ll put on 25lbs.  Thank you very much.  I’m talking about food here but it’s a thousand other things too.  Kelley, love your husband.  Nope.  I’ll be bitter and mean instead.  Kelley, move to Texas.  Nope.  Well fine.  But I’m going to be angry at you forever.  Even in my obedience I sin!

Looking around in my living room for the sound my washer was making, isn’t what makes me an idiot.

But God…

But God!  You know, that’s why I keep going back.  I have never known anyone to be more patient, kind, gentle, loving, the list goes on.  I live my life sometimes (most times) with the attitude that if I’m faithful and obedient then God will be my idea of good.  I don’t even mean to.  I know that’s not the gospel.  Lets be real, for every time I’m faithful or obedient, there are 4 million times I am not.  And my idea of what’s good has proven time and time and time again to be the exact opposite of what is actually good.  When do we learn?  How can he love such a mess? Still, in my blatant opposition to Him and His plan, He loves me all the way home, right into His sweet embrace.  Not only does He love me, but He equips me.  He gives me every single thing I need to move forward and get through, reminding me over and over that this is not about me.  There is a greater purpose at hand.  Die to self.  Kill your flesh.  I Am.  Only I, am the source of your joy.  This is how God is with me.

All.  The.  Time.

As irritating as it can be, it’s also an absolute blessing.  He knows that I need Him to constantly strip everything away from me.  I love my comfort.  I am selfish.  I want what I want.  He knows that giving it to me would be cruel.  He knows that giving it to me would ultimately push me so far away from Him.  How selfish am I that I’d have rather kept my family cramped in a teeny tiny house on Long Island just so I could be close to my friends!?  (Friends that God Himself provided by the way).  I’d have rather my husband gone to work and hurt himself over and over everyday to pay the bills back in New York than to leave and start a life somewhere else.  What kind of person am I?

I haven’t had a good cry since before I left New York.  But boy am I crying now.

Tears of joy.  Tears of gratefulness.  Tears that recognize my great great need.   Tears of repentance.  Tears that know this isn’t the last time I’ll fail.  Tears that know this is far from the last time God will extend to me His Grace.  Tears that know everyday He is transforming me more and more.

My heart breaks for those that don’t know this love.

We are all holding on to something.  It’s something we love.  It’s something we feel like we can’t live without.  Something we think will destroy us if we loosen our grasp on it even slightly.  Maybe its a person, or an identity, an offense.  Could be a job.  Guilt.  Shame.  Maybe it’s a talent or a hobby or something else not overtly sinful.  Whatever it is, it’s still sin.  Sin is, simply put, anything that separates us from God, anything we put before Him.  God is always better.  Anything He wants to take from us is never to make us miserable.  It’s always for our joy and His glory.  It’s for our flourishing and the sovereignty of His great name.  I’m preaching to myself as I write all of this.  Get out of His way and get back in His Will!

We can’t see even one minute into the future but God sees it all.  He is present in it all.  He knows the ultimate outcome if we choose not to let go.  We don’t know the outcome of our day, let alone our life.

Today I’m praying for you to let it go.  Let go and let God…

I’m out.  Running on Jesus and coffee y’all!

Ephesians 3:14-21 “For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”





2 thoughts on “untitled

  1. Courtney says:

    Ok 2 things. #1: Rob and I are currently doing “You and Me Forever” by Francis Chan on RightNow media and I highly recommend it after reading this post and the scripture you shared!! #2: I just finished a blog post of my own today (it’s a super serious one so I’ve been going over and over it, editing and making sure it’s right before I post) and said the EXACT words you shared—that we must LET GO AND LET GOD. As cliché as that can come across sometimes it’s SO true. We say we give it to God but in the meantime we are gripping on to whatever “it” is with our death grip fists. We must walk the walk and not just talk the talk—I am so so soooo guilty of this in some areas of my life. Just give it up Courtney—stop fighting and just let it go. Oh the places He will take us when we fully surrender to His will!

    Miss you my friend! xoxo


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